Emotional Toll of Tsunami
This morning was a hard morning. I don’t know why or what spurred it, except that I had some pretty vivid dreams before waking up, two in particular. One was that we (Anthony, Ashley, Liz and I) were at a beach, near some hotel, when a wave came up and pulled us out to sea. I don’t remember all the details of the dream, just that we all ended up lying on a sandy beach, completely battered and tired, but alive, with debris all around us. I don’t remember any other parts than that. Just the emotions, the fear, the pain (not physical pain), the despair.
The next was more of a “what if” scenario…what if the wave had of come at the time the earthquake happened. This has played through my mind, over and over again, perhaps why it’s actually become a dream. I had eaten breakfast with Liz in the pool side restaurant that morning, letting Ashley and Anthony sleep in. At the exact time of the quake, Liz and I were walking back to our room to wake them up. In my dream, I see the wave coming from the pool area and I grab Liz and start running, but there are two choices, run to the room (to the right) to try and warn Anthony or run up the stairs to the left. I choose to run up the stairs, to save myself and Elizabeth, hoping that Anthony will hear the noise and get Ashley and go to safety. But in my dream, he doesn’t, he and Ashley do not make it. I see them in the room, I see what happens to them in the room and I see them later and am devastated. It’s so hard for me to write this and it might be upsetting to some. But I feel that I really need to get this out, to write about what I’m experiencing emotionally throughout all of this. I was so upset this morning after these dreams and thoughts. I just hugged Anthony and cried, not able to voice why I was crying. It’s hard to believe that I can even imagine either of those scenarios, that I've been through something that would even put these thoughts into my head. I’ve heard stories of people who had to make the choice – survival stories of parents who had to let their children go and children whose parents rescued them only to be swept away. I can’t imagine what they must be going through.
While we were staying at our “sanctuary” place, there was a woman there who happened to work in a news station in Australia – I don’t remember her name or what station. She was going around talking to people, asking people if they were ok. I remember her coming up to me, looking me straight in the eyes and saying “are you ok?”. When I told her yes, we were all safe, she moved on to the next family/individual. We saw and spoke with her several times that day. She told us about a couple with a down syndrome teenage boy who’d been missing since the tsunami. One of the parents had a hold of the boy, but he/she got knocked out by furniture with the wave and had to let go of him. The parents were in the hospital, alive, but looking for him. This news lady was asking anyone and everyone to keep an eye out for him, to try and find him. (I saw a news article today about this and they had not found him) She also spent hours on the phone, calling every hospital, every outlet she could think of to try and find a missing wife of a man who was up with us at the “sanctuary” resort. She got a photocopy of the wife’s picture and was faxing it to the various hospitals to try and find her. She did so much, as much as she could possibly do, trying to help others find any information they could on relatives and friends – and she was on her honeymoon.
Sometimes I feel guilty, like I shouldn’t be having these feelings, I shouldn’t be this upset. We are all uninjured, we are all safe, it doesn’t matter what belongings we lost, they are all replaceable. We didn’t lose the irreplaceable, the loss of life, of a loved one. We have so much to be thankful for, yet, at times, I still feel such a profound sense of loss, of what, I’m not yet sure. I know that I will never look at another beach the same. My place of peace was a beach, whenever I was stressed, I would picture myself lying on a beach, drinking a cool frozen drink, or snorkeling at some wonderful coral reef, with thousands of colorful fish swimming all around me. But that place of refuge for me is gone. I have to find a new place to find peace, which is hard, because every time I try to picture serenity and peace, I see a big wave crashing up onto my beach.
Someone asked for the link to our picture site - here is it:
http://community.webshots.com/user/akaearmstrong
The next was more of a “what if” scenario…what if the wave had of come at the time the earthquake happened. This has played through my mind, over and over again, perhaps why it’s actually become a dream. I had eaten breakfast with Liz in the pool side restaurant that morning, letting Ashley and Anthony sleep in. At the exact time of the quake, Liz and I were walking back to our room to wake them up. In my dream, I see the wave coming from the pool area and I grab Liz and start running, but there are two choices, run to the room (to the right) to try and warn Anthony or run up the stairs to the left. I choose to run up the stairs, to save myself and Elizabeth, hoping that Anthony will hear the noise and get Ashley and go to safety. But in my dream, he doesn’t, he and Ashley do not make it. I see them in the room, I see what happens to them in the room and I see them later and am devastated. It’s so hard for me to write this and it might be upsetting to some. But I feel that I really need to get this out, to write about what I’m experiencing emotionally throughout all of this. I was so upset this morning after these dreams and thoughts. I just hugged Anthony and cried, not able to voice why I was crying. It’s hard to believe that I can even imagine either of those scenarios, that I've been through something that would even put these thoughts into my head. I’ve heard stories of people who had to make the choice – survival stories of parents who had to let their children go and children whose parents rescued them only to be swept away. I can’t imagine what they must be going through.
While we were staying at our “sanctuary” place, there was a woman there who happened to work in a news station in Australia – I don’t remember her name or what station. She was going around talking to people, asking people if they were ok. I remember her coming up to me, looking me straight in the eyes and saying “are you ok?”. When I told her yes, we were all safe, she moved on to the next family/individual. We saw and spoke with her several times that day. She told us about a couple with a down syndrome teenage boy who’d been missing since the tsunami. One of the parents had a hold of the boy, but he/she got knocked out by furniture with the wave and had to let go of him. The parents were in the hospital, alive, but looking for him. This news lady was asking anyone and everyone to keep an eye out for him, to try and find him. (I saw a news article today about this and they had not found him) She also spent hours on the phone, calling every hospital, every outlet she could think of to try and find a missing wife of a man who was up with us at the “sanctuary” resort. She got a photocopy of the wife’s picture and was faxing it to the various hospitals to try and find her. She did so much, as much as she could possibly do, trying to help others find any information they could on relatives and friends – and she was on her honeymoon.
Sometimes I feel guilty, like I shouldn’t be having these feelings, I shouldn’t be this upset. We are all uninjured, we are all safe, it doesn’t matter what belongings we lost, they are all replaceable. We didn’t lose the irreplaceable, the loss of life, of a loved one. We have so much to be thankful for, yet, at times, I still feel such a profound sense of loss, of what, I’m not yet sure. I know that I will never look at another beach the same. My place of peace was a beach, whenever I was stressed, I would picture myself lying on a beach, drinking a cool frozen drink, or snorkeling at some wonderful coral reef, with thousands of colorful fish swimming all around me. But that place of refuge for me is gone. I have to find a new place to find peace, which is hard, because every time I try to picture serenity and peace, I see a big wave crashing up onto my beach.
Someone asked for the link to our picture site - here is it:
http://community.webshots.com/user/akaearmstrong
posted by The Armstrongs at
1/07/2005
